Hello friends! It’s been a minute. Today’s newsletter is a little longer because, well, I have a lot of thoughts from the past three months. I get pretty vulnerable here, so bear with me, please.

In my last newsletter (which I thought was sent in like…February. Turns out it was last December.), I wrote:

Only YOU know what your mind, body, and spirit can handle or work with headed into a new year.

So, that being said, my start to 2022 has been…not what I expected. I ended 2021 optimistically, with great plans for the new year. I had my new planners (always plural), SMART goals written out, and a new book of affirmations ready to go. A friend and I even planned out a 75 Soft (because 75 Hard is way too much for me) challenge…which I stuck to for about 20 days.

Everything I had set up for myself, all the systems and plans, even the grace periods I set for leisure and rest — it all seemed to fall apart. I didn’t grocery shop for seven weeks. I barely made myself food. I couldn’t put away my laundry. Any semblance of a budget was thrown out the window. I was just…a mess.

All in all, this sounds like depression, right? Like, the definition of depression. Which I’m sure played a role in it. But really, I think I just set myself up for failure. Once again, I overcommitted to a lifestyle that I idealized instead of one that actually worked for me.

I realized this was what happened almost immediately. But I put off writing this newsletter because I didn’t want to admit that all my plans and systems and routines and schedules didn’t work. Because as silly as it sounds, deep down I’ve always imagined a version of me that becomes “That Girl” — drinking lemon water, working out, meditating, journaling, stretching, and making a superfood smoothie, all before 9am. And beyond becoming That Girl, there’s the internal, capitalist pressure to monetize it. Become an influencer. Run a huge Instagram, get thousands of likes on TikTok. Coach people on their routines. Write a book.

Here’s the problem: That’s not who I am. At least not who I am right now. And that’s been hard to accept. I understand habit building and behavior modification, but I think beyond not being That Girl, I also don’t think that’s who I need to be right now.

This has been difficult to accept for a lot of reasons, but especially because of my moralization of behaviors. It’s so easy to conflate idealized behaviors with morals. Which is wrong to do! It’s racist, sexist, classist, fatphobic, and so on. Yet, it’s what I’ve caught myself doing for years.

So, what now? I’m focusing on unlearning this moralization and idealization of behaviors. I’m trying to grow at a leisurely speed, not based in goals, but based in intuition and feeling. And, arguably most importantly, I’m listening to myself.

At first, that looked like sleeping in until 10am, eating Auntie Anne’s for breakfast, and playing The Sims for hours. Now, it’s starting to balance back out with my more goal-oriented self. Carrots for a snack because I want them, not because they’re a vegetable. Going on a walk because the weather is perfect, not to hit my step goal. Similar to the balancing effect of starting intuitive eating, I’ve fed into my rebellious side, and now I can start listening to myself without distraction.

I’m not really sure where life is going to go from here. But, for the first time in a long time, I’m excited to see where it takes me.

Talk soon,

Emily

P.S. If you’re new or want to check out my previous issues, you can do so here.

The Recipe Breakdown

Lemon: Letting go of internal pressure. Doing my best to not set myself up for failure by creating too strict of a schedule or too many ambitious goals. Really just like, living, ya know?

Ingredient #1: Non-productive leisure. Like I said above, I have really struggled with finding hobbies or forms of rest that don’t have some type of productivity tied to it, whether that’s through monetization or moralizing hobbies or only focusing on hobbies that result in a physical product. I’ve started to lean into the forms of leisure that I’ve historically felt like were “a waste of time,” so I can unlearn that line of thinking. For me, that’s looked like playing video games with my partner, baking just because I want a biscuit, and watching copious amounts of Shark Tank.

Ingredient #2: Inner child rebellion. Now, I am definitely not anything close to an expert on inner child work (but Catherine and Sara are, if you’re interested). However, I’ve been trying to tap into my inner self and let those desires come out. I’ve noticed it’s mostly been a desire to consume the things I was not allowed, encouraged, or able to do as a kid. This ranges from everything to eating Lucky Charms to playing loud music literally all the time to playing The Sims on a weeknight. It’s really helped me with both the non-productive leisure and discover what I actually like (not just liking it to be rebellious).

Ingredient #3: Making time for wants and needs. By letting go of my minute-by-minute schedule, endless to-do lists, and ‘requirements’ for the day, I’ve been able to more easily tap into what I want and need. It isn’t always easy, but compared to a few months ago, I feel much more free to do things that make me happy. And like I said above, it has balanced out for me. I’m not “just” playing video games and eating cereal (not that there’s anything wrong with that!), I’m also making yummy veggie dinners and going on walks with my partner.

Want to talk about your own lemons, ingredients, or lemonade recipes? Feel free to reply to this email!

🍋 Lemon Zest 🍋

The Little Things that help make my days a bit brighter 💕

🎵 Probably not a surprise to anyone who has talked to me in recent months, but I’m once again mostly listening to only Taylor Swift. I did, however, create this playlist of my favorite Taylor bridges, for those who need some emotional infrastructure in their life.

📝 I know this kind of goes against the theme of this newsletter, but…I got a new planner to use during this ~ more chill ~ time in my life. It’s the Design Your Life planner and it’s very pretty with minimal (and simple) goal/habit tracking pages.

📚I’m about halfway through Milk Fed and it’s incredible. I love the rawness, the humor, and relatability (even when I don’t want it to be relatable).

💭 Banks are evil, but I’ve been reading more and more about “green banking.” Do you do this? Do you want to? Would love to hear others thoughts!

💜 It’s Fund-a-Thon time! Join in the radical and compassionate act of funding abortion by making a donation on my page. I want to raise $500 this year, and would greatly appreciate any amount you can give.

☕ If you’d like to support my work and Making Lemonade, consider buying me a coffee or sending a few dollars my way via Venmo: @emmyfromminny! ☕